극대노 Frigidaire

극대노 means “extremely enraged” (extremely pissed off might work better here since 극대노 is slang). FYI, “극대노” was my state for about a week. All because of Frigidaire.

Our dishwasher stopped working on February 24. My husband and I tried all the troubleshooting tips on their website. No matter what we did, it wouldn’t turn on. It was weird, as our dishwasher was only two years old. I contacted our landlords the following Monday, who contacted the store that sold the unit. The dishwasher’s warranty had expired. I then tried booking an appointment through Frigidaire/Electrolux’s website. It kept freezing at check out. I ended up calling them. A few hours later, I got an appointment. The price was higher than the one listed on their website. Their agent said that must have been why the website wouldn’t let me through. Little had I known this was the first red flag.

Two days later, the technician came. I asked what was wrong with the dishwasher and if I could have avoided this. The answer was that electronics fail for many reasons, so there was nothing we could have done. He gave me a quote, and I shared it with my landlords. They hadn’t responded right away, so the technician had to leave. Thankfully, he told me he would come back that very day and fix it if I had my landlord’s permission within two hours. Thirty minutes later, I was told to go ahead with the repair. I relayed that decision to the technician. An issue resolved within a few days? Yay to that!

The technician returned that afternoon and told me there were some parts they didn’t have. Apparently, there was an error in their system, so it didn’t show their stock accurately. He would have to place an order, and I should contact customer service once the parts arrive. With an ETA of a week, “an error in the system” sounded so innocent. I should have been wary, but I didn’t know better.

On Monday, March 4, only after a few days, a package arrived. I contacted the service center. An agent told me only one part came and I would have to wait for the other part. Upon checking, they said the back order would take about a month or longer, so I should order it from a third-party supplier. When I contacted one, they said it would take about 10 days. It was still the better option, so I ordered it from them. Ten days later, on March 14, the parts arrived. I texted once again with an agent. The appointment was set for 3/18.

The next day, on Friday, March 15, I received an automated alert from Frigidaire: “The part(s) needed to repair your appliance for Work Order **** are delayed and will arrive after the scheduled service appointment. We are canceling the appointment for 03/18/2024. Once you receive all parts, please reply: 2 to Reschedule your appointment. Please call *** for further assistance.” I immediately pressed 2 and tried to reschedule for the same day, but the earliest option available was 3/22. I called. It was hard to get hold of an agent. I tried texting again. After I got a human agent, I had to explain over and over that I had ordered and received both parts, one from them and the other from a third party per one of their own agent’s recommendations. I was able to reinstate my appointment—or so I thought.

After six minutes, I received another notification that my appointment was canceled. I called this time. I was once again able to secure the appointment for 3/18. Friday afternoon, I got an automated text and call asking to confirm the appointment for that day. I received a similar robocall during the weekend. I confirmed every time I was prompted to do so.

On Monday, March 18, at 7:22 am, another automated reminder prompted me to confirm the appointment. I did. Forty minutes later, I got another cancelation for 3/19. I was puzzled, as I had not scheduled an appointment that day. I called. After waiting for 20 minutes, I texted again, trying to figure out whether my appointment was still happening. Let me tell you that the AI agent was always collecting my phone number, the product model number, the serial number, and my name every time for—get this—”faster service.”

Again, I texted. “Upon checking, your appointment is tomorrow, 8-12 pm,” was the response I received. The agent once again asked me whether I had both parts. This was my reply: “I repeat, I have communicated more than four times that I have ordered and already received the part in question through a third party per one of your agent’s recommendations. I have repeatedly asked your agents to reflect that on your record and to have my appointment. I do not understand where the confusion is coming from and am extremely frustrated. I do not understand why the appointment was switched from today to tomorrow either.”

The agent apologized. They checked again and told me that the appointment for that day was still in “accepted status,” so that the technician would come out. I wanted to be hopeful. What can I say? I believe in second— fifth in this case—chances. I should have been suspicious of the agent’s message. “If no one showed up, let us know that we can see other options. How does it sound? Or do you prefer to be rescheduled now?” It had been almost three weeks by then, and I had spent many hours doing the dishes or contacting the service department. I thanked the agent and “sincerely hope(d) for your system to reflect everything correctly.”

I was doubtful by then. I left a message to the technician directly and explained the situation, urging him not to cancel any appointments showing on his end. He said he can’t help much on his end, and that no appointment for my place was showing up either.
As you might have guessed by now, no one came that day. I texted the official line again at 12:07. The agent said, again, that the appointment was canceled due to a part not arriving on time. I was fuming by then. I demanded to know the reason our appointment was canceled. The agent said, “the technician cancelled it we don’t have any control why they cancelled it, rest assured this will[sic] won’t happen again.” The earliest available appointment was 3/20 by then. I wasn’t ready to let go that easily at that time. I kept asking how they can ensure it and asked for the technician to confirm via a separate text or phone call. The answer was “We don’t have option to do that, rest assured everything notated on your account.”

On Tuesday, March 19, I received another service alert that my appointment for 3/20 was being canceled. Was I living the movie Groundhog Day? I called this time. It was well after thirty minutes that I was able to get to a person. Imagine my fury. I tried hard not to yell at them, but I honestly don’t know how successful I was. The agent kept saying “rest assured.” It must be in their training materials. But what do the empty comforting words even mean by then? These words enraged me even more. The agent repeatedly reassured me that everything was “notated.” It was weary. I just wanted my dishwasher to be fixed. By that time, at least two adjectives for Frigidaire (the kind that alliterates with it) kept popping up in my brain. To my credit, I did not say it out loud, but I sure was thinking it.

Today is Friday, and I began writing this blog post on Tuesday evening. It was unclear whether the service appointment would be canceled again. Thankfully, the technician came on Wednesday. The dishwasher finally got fixed. Hurrah!

As for my state of mind? It is much better, thank you very much. In retrospect, I realize that I shouldn’t have let this disturb me too much. Still, I don’t think I will ever buy a Frigidaire after this.

12월 12일

미국 날짜로 12월 12일, 영화관에서 서울의 봄을 보았다.

평일 오후인데도 작은 상영관이라서 그런지 까딱하면 매진되서 못 볼 뻔했다. 다행히 며칠 전 예매를 편하게 마치고 오늘 극장에 갔다. 한국 관객이 압도적으로 많았다. 곳곳에서 들리는 한국말을 따라 가다 보니 상영관에 도착했다.

영화 내내 유난히 청중의 탄식이 많았다. 역사가 스포이다 보니 결말을 다 아는데도 스토리 진행이나 화면구성이 박진감이 넘쳤다. 특히 주인공 두 인물을 연기하는 황정민과 정우성 배우가 주는 무게감이 남달랐다. “그게 군대냐”라는 대사가 기억에 남는데 “이게 나라냐”라는 말이 자연스레 떠올랐다.

역사를 재구성하고 재현하는 픽션의 힘을 다시금 느낀다. 꼬꼬마 시절 요르단에서 녹화된 ‘모래시계’ 비디오 테이프 돌려보던 게 생각난다. 나의 장래희망을 계속 바꾸게 했던 첫 원흉(?)

내가 뽑은 킬포/명대사 3개는 “내 눈앞에서… 내 조국이 반란군한테 무너지고 있는데! 끝까지 항전하는 군인 하나 없다는 게… 그게 군대냐?” “인간이라는 동물은 안 있나, 강력한 누군가가 자기를 리드해 주기를 바란다니까.”

그리고… “I’m fine and you?”

아무래도 관객 분들 울화통 나시죠? 위로하듯 넣어놓은 이 깨알유머에 다 같이 웃었다.

덧.

그런데 왜 영문 제목을 12:12 The Day로 했을까? 그냥 그대로 Seoul Spring이라고 했어도 괜찮을 것 같은데…

영문 제목이 기억 안 나서 검색을 하려고 1212를 쳐 보니

천사의 날이라고 우주의 기운을 받아 새로운 일을 모색하기 좋은 날이라는 신비주의 글들이 제법 나오는데.. 굳이 왜?

(그러니까 번역이 중요하다고요…)

취준생의 새벽-중동, 매튜 페리

어젯밤 이력서를 제출하고 새벽에 오랜만에 페북에 글을 썼다. 그리하여 업어오는 글.

1. 94년이였나 95년이었나? 요르단에서 미국인 학교를 다닐 때 반에 로템이라는 이스라엘 아이가 하나 있었다. 그때는 그래도 중동이 평화로운 시기였으니 큰 문제는 없었지만, 특히나 요르단은 팔레스타인 사람들을 많이 수용한 나라여서 뭔가 알 수 없는 미묘한 긴장 어린 분위기가 있었던 걸로 기억한다. 그때 그 친구나 그 친구에게 묘하게 시비를 걸던 친구들은 어디서 무얼 하고 있을까.

세월이 지나 엘에이에서 만났던 친한 친구 하나는 특이하게도 이스라엘에 살던 팔레스타인인이었다. 우리로 치면 재일 한국인이려나? 얼마 전 그 친구에게 지금 일어나는 사태가 너무나 유감이라고 안부 문자를 보냈다. 나도 마음이 무거운데 그 친구는 대체 어떨까.

2. 프렌즈의 너드 조크의 일인자 챈들러 빙, 매튜 페리의 사망 소식이 있었다. 저 멀리 아득한 어딘가에 있는 것 같으면서도 옆집 친구와 같은 친밀함을 느끼는 게 유명인들이 아닐까. 게다가 워낙 프렌즈가 전세계적으로 인기가 있었다 보니 많은 사람들이 애도를 표하고 있는데, 나도 생각보다 충격이 컸다. 나도 모르게 기사를 찾아보고 있다. (그의 사인이 밝혀졌다며 911 신고 녹음이 공개됐다고 하는데 그건 왠지 너무한 것 같아서 들어보진 않았다. 사람에 대한 애정어린 관심이 과도하고 불편한 관음으로 가는 경계는 한순간인 것 같다. 댓글들을 보며 가족과 그를 알았을 사람들의 마음이 걱정되더라.)

매튜 페리는 작년에 낸 자서전에 14세부터 시작됐던 알콜과 마약중독과의 힘겨웠던 이야기를 고백해서 화제가 됐었다. 모든 사람들이 자신이 죽으면 챈들러 얘기만 하겠지만, 지나가는 사람이 자기를 붙잡고 나 중독자인데 도와줄 수 있냐고 물으면, 나 그거 해봤고 너를 도와줄 수 있는 사람이라고 말하는 사람이고, 그럴 린 없겠지만, 그렇게 사람들의 기억에 남았으면 좋겠다고 했다는데… 그래도 그 이야기를 박제한 짤이 좀 돌아다니는 걸 보면 그의 바람이 헛되지만은 않은 것 같다. 실제로 피비 과학자 남자친구로 등장했었던 배우도 매튜 페리의 손에 이끌려 알콜중독자 모임에 갔었다고 하고 페리 하우스인가, 남성 중독자들의 거처를 설립하기도 했다고 한다. 고인의 명복을 빈다.

3. 요새는 본격 취준생 모드로 살고 있다. 어제는 한 곳 인터뷰를 보았고, 계속 원서를 넣고 있다. 분야도 딱히 가리지 않고 여기저기 넣는데 이 갈지자 이력을 어떻게 살려볼 것인가.

진로 고민은 정말 평생 끝나지 않는 것인가. 오늘 뭔가를 여쭤보려고 전화를 드린 한 분께서도 직장에 다닌다고 진로 고민이 없는 건 아니라고 하시는데 그 마음이 너무 이해가 되서 씁쓸함이 남았다. 20여년 전쯤에 그래도 하고 싶은 걸 하겠다는 간절함으로 재수(!)까지 하면서 라디오 피디로 입사할 땐, 정년까지 회사 다닐 줄 알았는데… 불과 십 년 후 휴직과 퇴직을 거쳐 미국땅에서 아이를 낳고 살 줄 알았나 뭐. 그리고 7년 후 다시 취업 준비라니… ㅎㅎ

4. 취준생 모드로 살다 보니 아무래도 가장 오래 회사생활을 했던 곳이 생각나는가 보다. 한국에 갔을 때 거의 10년만에 회사 동기들과 선후배 동료들을 만나서 그랬는지도 모르겠다.

동기사랑 나라사랑이라고 어릴 때부터 세뇌돼서 그런 건가? 그중에서도 동기들과의 만남이 참으로 좋았다. 늘 계획이 다 있는 동기의 조곤조곤 설명을 듣고, 그와 늘 함께이지만 성향은 매우 다른 동기와, 그들의 이야기에 빵빵 터지던 다른 동기, 조용조용 카리스마 있는 멘트를 날리는 다른 동기와, 같이 경찰서 돌던 때가 엊그제 같은데 이제 나와 같은 퇴사자가 된 다른 동기까지… 다들 너무 정겹고 고마웠다.

유치원 졸업식 때도 초등학교 졸업식 때도 혼자 엉엉 목 놓아 울어서 눈이 퉁퉁 붓질 않나, 평생 수도꼭지라고 불렸으니 낯선 일은 아니지만, 이번엔 또 왜 그렇게 동기들을 보자마자 눈물이 막 났는지… 참… 냉면집에서 눈물을 훔치면서 수육과 빈대떡을 먹는데 울고 있는 내가 참 웃겼다.

5. 페북 덕에 중학교 때 친구와 다시 연락이 닿았다. 중학교 1학년, 엄청 엄한 담임 밑에서 환경미화를 하느라 참 고생했었는데, 전학 온 지 얼마 안 됐는데도 손으로 대걸레를 빨던 나와 함께해줬던 친구다. 그 친구가 내가 요르단에 있을 때 편지를 주고받던 이야기를 하는데, 아직도 내 편지를 간직하고 있단다. 마음이 뭉클했다.

그러고 보니 요르단에서는 늘 편지지와 펜을 들고 다녔다. 틈만 나면 쉬는 시간에도 숙제를 하다가도 쓰고 또 썼더랬다. 그때야말로 나의 글쓰기 특훈 시절이 아니었을까.

당시 편지는 항공 메일로 보내면 2주가 걸렸다. 서로의 답장이 엇갈려서 내용이 어긋나기 일쑤였는데, 나도 친구들도 어쩜 그렇게 꾸준히 썼을까? 그렇게 내가 3년간 받았던 편지가 300통 정도였고, 내가 먼저 연락을 끊은 적은 없었으니 난 참 한 500통은 쓰지 않았을까?

생각해 보면 어릴 때도 지금도, 친구들과 지인들과 그래도 이렇게 연락이 아직 많이 닿는 건, 떠나온 자의 특권일지도 모르겠다. 좋았던 시절이 박제돼 기억되기 때문일 테지.

6. 오랜만에 왜 이런 글을 썼냐고 묻는다면 글쎄요…?! 이력서 내고 나니 새벽이라서…?! ㅎㅎ

Back to writing–in the here and now

Last year, I joined a writer’s online workshop Write From Your Center – 31 Day of Mindfulness and Writing Exercises, but never completed them. Why? I can think of more than a couple of excuses; some are even valid. Yes, I was busy—who in the world isn’t? But the truth is, I couldn’t bring myself to commit back to writing. Why? Because I was afraid that I wasn’t good enough to write. Fear was holding me back again.

Then it hit me. So what if I’m not an outstanding writer? (As if anyone cares.) At least I’m putting myself out there and am still trying to write. I’m sharing my stories. Who knows? Someone might like it. It might even comfort someone. I would get comforted even if no one else would.

Writing gives me joy, and it is a way to communicate with the world while gaining some perspective. So here I am, back to writing.

Rumi, “Close your eyes and open the window of your heart. Only when you have no more need for acceptance, will everything you do be accepted.”

What is the status of the window of my heart nowadays? I’m not sure. It feels blurred. I cannot seem to fully embrace myself. Stress level is high, and I’ve been struggling with procrastination. I accept that life is messy, but deep down inside, I don’t think I can accept that MY life should be THIS chaotic.

It’s been nine months since I got the green card. I’m finally eligible to work in the US. Upon receiving the green card, I had thought that by now, I would have accomplished something. Anything. Whether it be authoring and publishing a book, getting a job, or tapping into some passive income, making emojis, I thought by now I would have achieved something. But I see an endless list of the things that I have abandoned. I don’t even remember this year’s goals clearly, except that I wanted to lose weight, get a job, and get published. And even those goals seem too vague or lazy, not action-oriented. But I am changing it now.

First, let me retrospect on how I got here. I would then have to go back to my summer. I visited Korea in five and a half years and spent the entire summer there. It felt glorious at first, but it left me with sorrow. I hadn’t realized that I missed Korea so much. I was grateful to reconnect with so many of my friends and colleagues, and family members, both close and distant. Everything felt so fast and convenient. I enjoyed being a pedestrian again in the streets of Korea. I longed for the life I once had.

However, I also realized that to make Korea my home again, my U.S.-born child would have to suffer. It’s funny how the recurrent theme of identity, being in between or betwixt as a third-culture kid, plays out in my life and even extends to my daughter’s life. My mom would have gone through similar things as a Korean expat to the Middle East. Had I not vowed to myself that I would return to Korea and root myself in my beloved home country? Again, why am I here?

It was half accidental and half purposeful. I came to the US as the wife of a Ph.D. student. Was I consciously following the American dream? I don’t know. Sure, there were things that I wasn’t happy about Korea: work-life balance or the lack thereof, the intense demand for conformity, to name a few. But when we first came here, I didn’t know I would spend the next decade here. Nor had I known that I was going to have a daughter. But that’s how my journey has unfolded.

Do I like the US? Well, it’s not perfect, but it has become (a second) home. My US-born daughter considers herself American. Her first language was Korean, but she has become much more fluent in English, almost reluctant to speak Korean. She had barely remembered Korea from her last visit.

Sometimes her unwillingness to learn Korea(n) and its culture makes my heart ache. But I realize if we were to go back to Korea, which incidentally no one in my immediate family seems to want to, I’d be uprooting my daughter from the only home she knows. Talk about irony. I resented my parents for doing just that, around her age, when I had to move to Tunisia and live there for three years. Starting schooling in a French school in the Middle East was challenging, but I survived. Admittedly, it was even more difficult adjusting back to Korea.

Sia doesn’t even like when we bring up moving to a different town and switching school. I can’t even imagine how she’d react to going back to Korea.

How ironic and silly. Before the green card, when Hubby didn’t make it to the H1b lottery for the third time, I was afraid that our family might get kicked out of the US. Now that we have a choice, I mourn for the lost opportunity of staying (or going back) in Korea. But the grass will always seem greener on the other side. I should stop myself from jumping into the rabbit hole of pondering on the road not taken for the umpteenth time. It’s time to own my decisions and start from where I stand. In the here and now. And back to writing.

Three Golden Rules

Without preamble, I present you our family’s golden rules:

1. I treat myself and others with love, respect, and kindness.

2. My words are based on the Four Pillars of Speech – Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary? Is it helpful?

3. We are the choices we make. Is this a good choice? Determine an action’s priority by its Impact. Is it the right Time? Place, and Occasion (TPO)? What are the consequences of my choice (CC)?

If I were to add a fourth, it would be, as Elsa has famously said, to “let it go.”

Let me go back a little. Today was another typical day with my daughter’s tantrum. It seems like her daily tantrums have been reaching new heights. What was not typical about today, however, is that today’s the eve of our long awaited trip to Korea. (In five and half years!!)

I see chaos around me. (Well, more than usual. LOL.) I’m still packing, rooms are messy, dirty dishes are stacked up in (and outside) the sink, you know the drill. Nevertheless, I decided to have a chat with her. It wasn’t that I hadn’t tried. I’ve had many chats with my daughter about how her words and actions were not appropriate and had been hurting my feelings. On one occasion, I even shed some tears while at it. But this time, I decided to set some simple rules so that she could align her actions. We tried setting some other rules before. It didn’t work. Too many. Too complex. The rules were short-lived because they weren’t reinforced on a daily basis. So this time I tried to simplify them so that we could all remember them better.

I’m not sure whether I should be writing this post right now. Nevertheless, I am taking time to write this post. Lately, I’ve been focusing too much on what’s urgent. It’s been days that I haven’t slept properly. Working on what, you say? As usual, the never-ending list of tasks. Wrapping things up for the nonprofit I work for, coping with the many tasks that entailed with the end of my daughter’s school year, catching up on housework. Not to mention prepping for this trip. I am reclaiming my time and space for a little me-time. I am quite satisfied to have the tasks written down.

As I type this, I hear my daughter burst into tears. (Sigh.) I write a little more, holding my ground. Thankfully, she’s calmed down on her own. But she is calling me. “Mommy, can you please come?” She’s asking it nicely. Ok, back to reality! So long!

Tough February

This February was off to a rough start from day one. My lower back and neck pain aggravated so much that I couldn’t move freely. No wonder. I had been spending five to six hours daily on an urgent book translation for about a week. What with the translation and my usual duties as a mom and homemaker, I barely managed five hours of sleep. Exercise was not nonexistent, but it was mainly as a parent participant at Kids’ yoga and Kids’ Zumba classes or adult Glitz dance classes.

Thankfully, this time, I got my warning in time. At least I could move, albeit with excruciating pain. But I could feel that if I pushed it further, I would be in a similar place as a decade ago, when I was hospitalized for a month. Why so long? Well, mainly because the Korean Medicine hospital I chose specializes in non-invasive treatments such as acupuncture, physical therapy, and herbal medicine. Not that my condition wasn’t serious. I could barely lift myself and sit up, let alone walk. Even with intensive care of two acupuncture sessions a day, herbal medicine, chuna manipulation (similar to chiropractic), and physical therapy, it took me about a week to stand on my own.

I called an acupuncturist nearby that a friend recommended and got a same-day appointment. I didn’t even bother to contact Kaiser, because I knew I could never get a same-day appointment, let alone treatment. (If there’s one thing that I hate and don’t understand about the US, it’s the health care and insurance system, but that’s a topic for another day.) At the acupuncture clinic, I summoned my husband from work to pick up Sia later. The acupuncturist said to drop everything and rest. Thus began my 10-day bed rest.

Being bed-ridden was… blissful. Sure, I wanted to move around. I felt bad that I couldn’t do much. But how I enjoyed my well-deserved rest! Almost no housework except a little cooking and dishes, no driving, and much less tending to the whims and demands of my clingy, albeit lovely daughter. (Unsurprisingly, my husband looked worse day by day.) I was tempted to extend my “leave,” but then this happened.

One evening, Sia asked me whether I saw the drawing she had left on our whiteboard in the morning before leaving for school. I hadn’t. She urged me to look. She explained that I (the small stick figure in the middle) was lying down in bed, and that made Sia (the little girl on the left) and Daddy (the little guy on the right) feel sad. The big X stands for no more of this. She’s sending a big heart to make me feel better and a sweet note.

After one week of strict bed rest, a trial of a week to slowly getting back to usual, and two straight weekends spent without me, I could see that Sia was missing me a lot. In the mornings, she left for school after giving me a bear hug and a kiss. She was constantly leaving me notes with drawings. She was ever so sweet and gentle.

This is the second week I’ve returned to my normal routine. Sia’s school is on a break for the week following President’s Day. We are spending so much time together as if to make up for the past two weeks. It would be an understatement to say that it has not been easy. My lower back and shoulders still feel stiff and painful sometimes. Sia is throwing tantrums as I write. Still, I’m thankful that I am writing this post, seated in front of my desk with relatively no pain.

Wedding Plans

My little girl is getting married—in ten years. At least, that’s what she says. Here’s the story.

“Mommy, can you guess when I’m going to get married?”

“Married?!”

“Yeah! Married!”

“Hmm… Let’s see. Twenty-seven? Thirty?”

“No.”

“Hmm… Thirty-five? Forty?”

“No! Sixteen!”

“Sixteen?! Wow. With whom?”

“With G, of course!”

“Does G know of the plan?”

“Of course! We talked about it since last year!”

G used to be in S’s class last year. He is the paragon of an exemplary boy. At school, G was “the official helper” of the class–not so much at home, according to his mom. (Should I be worried for my girl?) He was always offering to help clean up during art classes last year. He’s an excellent soccer player. Many parents said that their kids admire G for his prowess with the ball. I knew S and G were close. How could I not? S talked about G constantly. He was one of her best friends at school, he was so helpful, etc. I’ve seen them hugging and huddling together often, so obviously they adored each other, but marriage?! 

Apparently, the two of them had even discussed how many kids they were going to have. S announced, “A hundred.” She was kidding, of course, but I couldn’t help but yelp. “That’s way too many!” 

“Just kidding! We’re thinking of two. Because if there’s only one, when we both work, we will get very distracted because she will get bored playing by herself.”

By the way, S is six, and G 7. What do you say? Shall I be making wedding plans for her? At the very least, I have ten years, even if things go as planned. 😉

가을엔 노래를 듣겠어요

눈물이 많아졌다. 위험한 일이다.
여기서 더 많아지면 어쩌라는 건가.

이래서 가을인가.
하늘이 맑고 높다.

폴 님의 가사와 선율과
이아립 님의 목소리에 새삼스레 취하며
이제는 소희의 눈망울만 기억나는
<버스, 정류장>의 만남을 떠올린다.

썼다 지웠다 썼다 지웠다
지우고 지우고 힘주어 남기는 말은…

그럼에도 불구하고
꾸준히 손 내미는 나에게’도’
친절한 칭찬을.

English as a non-native speaker

For a few weeks, I kept myself busy prepping for the pilot English Conversational Class at Simple Steps, the non-profit organization where I volunteer as an editor. I was excited yet nervous. The program starts later this evening, and I’ve only been able to introduce myself on Slack today. As I wrote, I came to understand better where my fear was coming from. I wanted to share what I wrote with the people who read my blog.

Flashback:
I was thirteen, standing in the middle of a hallway lined with lockers. The hallway was bustling with people, but they all seemed busy going somewhere. I was lost. I did not know what to do nor where to go for my next class. No one seemed to notice me, a new Korean girl at school. Even if they did, I don’t know how much help they could have given me. I did not know what to say.

My English was so poor that the principal had placed me in seventh grade against my parents’ wishes. I could not argue with the decision. Many of the sentences I had practiced in English classes back in Korea were far from helpful. After all, can you imagine any real-life situation where a person would say, “I am a boy. You are a girl.” and such?

By the end of the semester, I was doing very well at school. The school agreed to let me skip the rest of seventh grade and moved me to eighth grade. I spent the next three years at the American Community School in Jordan and returned to Korea. There I finished school, worked as a radio producer, and studied translation at graduate school.

===
Present day:
I am a translator. I have lived in the United States for about a decade. You may find it hard to believe, but even with my years of experience as a translator, I sometimes feel as terrified as you, if not more, when I speak or write in English. To this day, my thirteen-year-old self haunts me sometimes.

Some say my English is “perfect,” but I know it’s not. Speaking and writing in English (and translating English into Korean or vice versa) still require much more time and effort than I would like to admit. It doesn’t help that I’m a (recovering) perfectionist. I still kick myself (이불킥) for making mistakes. But at the same time, I realize that even native speakers are not “perfect.” The only difference is that they have the luxury of not worrying about their mistakes as much as non-native speakers. (Think of the mistakes that you make in Korean. Do you fuss over every single mistake you make?)

I am unsure what each of you expected from this class or the instructors. I know that sometimes Koreans tend to be hung up with “native speakers” making the best tutors, so I wanted to be upfront with you. Again, English is not my first language (in fact, I first learned the alphabet in French). Please bear with me. I will try my best, but I may not have all the answers on the top of my head and probably will make mistakes.

Perhaps this was one of the reasons why I might have dreaded this course. I was afraid that people would judge me and that I wasn’t “good enough” to teach and lead this class. (As you can see, I suffer from impostor syndrome as well). But like many other things in life, in language as well, you have to step out of your comfort zone and “just do it.” So, please, celebrate your mistakes because that’s how you learn. I plan to do the same. I hope we all grow from this class.

Luxury at its best

“Luxary at its best.”

이 문구를 보고 든 생각은?


뭐가 잘못됐는지 알겠는가?

그렇다.
“Luxury”를 ‘luxary’라고 쓴 거다.
평소라면 별 문제 아닐 것이다.
문제는 이것이 광고 간판에 있는 오류라는 것.

어제 링크트인에서 어떤 마케터가 올린 사진에서 본 제네시스 간판 광고 문구다. (그 사진은 못 찾겠다.) 옆에 히브리어가 써 있는 걸 보니 이스라엘에 있는 간판 광고였다. 그 마케터는 이런 논평을 올렸다. “영어를 쓰지 않는 나라의 광고 캠페인에 좀 더 있어 보이려고 영어를 쓰는 경우가 제법 있다. 교정은 ‘네이티브’에게 맡기자.”

그 글을 보자마자 “니가 네이티브 아닌 사람의 설움을 알아?”는 마음이 일었다. 이어서 모국이 아닌 곳에서 모국어가 아닌 언어를, 그것도 ‘번역을 한다는 전문가’ 위치에 맞게 써야 한다는 두려움과 강박에 늘 확인하고 검색하고 또 다시 검토하는, ‘방망이 깎는 노인’으로 살아야 하는 설움에 울컥했다.

댓글에는 갑론을박이 이어졌다.  “품질관리가 왜 저래. 제네시스에 실망하게 된다.” “이스라엘에서 하는 광고에 영어가 웬말이냐. 쓰려면 제대로 쓰기라도 하지.” “이렇게 화제가 되는 걸 보면 성공적인 캠페인 아니냐.” “감수가 중요하지. (잘못된 경구문구 짤)” “Luxary라는 부문을 신설했나 보지.”

생각이 더욱 많아졌다. 링크트인 프로필 사진을 보아하건대 영미권 백인 남성인 원글 게시자는 네이티브 스피커로서 누리는 것을 자각하지 못하는구나 싶었다. ‘그렇다고 과연 그 사람이 영어가 모국어가 아닌 사람들을 비난한다고 봐야 할까? ‘라는 생각으로 이어졌다. 어쩌면 평소에 쌓인 설움(?)으로 인한 나의 과민반응은 아닐까?’ 설령 네이티브 스피커로(로서 자신이 누리고 있는 무언가를 인지한다면) 과연 저런 말을 하면 안 되는 걸까?

이렇게 꼬리에 꼬리를 무는 생각들이 이어졌다. 마지막에 든 생각은  ‘Luxury라는 단어가 그렇게 어려운 단어도 아닌데, 과연 저 실수의 핵심이 ‘네이티브’에 있어야 하는가?’ 

Luxury가 그렇게 어려운 단어는 아니라고 생각한다. 기아가 한국 기업이긴 하지만, 저 문구만큼은 영어가 모국어인 카피라이터가 썼을 수도 있다. 설령 한국어 카피라이터가 썼다고 해도, 우리나라의 영어 열풍을 생각할 때, Luxury의 철자를 과연 몰랐을까 싶다.  그 뒤에도 프린트되기까지 수많은 단계가 있었을 텐데… 최종 컨펌 전에 한 사람만 저 문구에 신경을 썼다고 해도 저런 실수는 없었을 텐데. 저건 그냥 일을 못한 거다. 나는 그 실수를 그냥 ‘네이티브’로 뭉개버리는 ‘네이티브’의 무신경함에 화가 난 거고.

고민 끝에 댓글을 달았다. “망친 캠페인이냐고요? 네. 그런데 과연 그게 ‘네이티브’의 문제일까요? ‘네이티브’가 아닌 번역자로서 미국에서 수년 살면서, ‘네이티브’의 수많은 오류를 본 사람으로서, 글쎄요…” 정도의 논지로. 다행히 누군가 네이티브가 아닌 사람은 저런 실수를 하지 않기 위해 노력한다고 이미 댓글을 달았기에 저 정도로 달았다. ‘네이티브가 아닌’ 내가 너무 기를 쓰고 오버한다고 보이고 싶지 않은 마음이 없었다고는 못 하겠다.

실제로 미국에 와서 ‘its’와 ‘it’s’ ‘there’와 ‘their’를 구분하지 못하는 미국 네이티브들을 많이 보았다.  그런데 그건 어느 나라나 마찬가지 아닌가. ‘안되다’와 ‘않되다’를 구분 못하는 한국 네이티브들과 크게 다르지 않을 것이다. 그걸 지적하면 ‘오히려 별 문제 아닌 걸 왜?’라는 표정을 짓는 사람들. 네이티브라고 해서 모든 걸 다 알진 않는다. 다만 자신의 잘못에 부끄럽지 않아도 되는 여유가 있을 뿐. 모든 특권이라는 게 그렇지 않나. 자격 운운하는 논쟁에서 빗겨나 여유를 부릴 수 있는 자유가 특권의 핵심 아닐까. 

영화 <히든 피겨스>에서 유색인종 컴퓨터 그룹을 이끄는 Dorothy Vaughan이 백인 여성 관리자 Mrs. Mitchell과 화장실에서 만나는 장면이 기억난다.

“Despite what you may think, I have nothing against y’all. 어떻게 생각할지 몰라도, 나는 너네들에게 나쁜 감정 없어.”
Dorothy는 한참 후에 이렇게 대답한다. “I know. I know you probably believe that. 그래. 아마도 그렇게 믿겠지.”

Dorothy의 승진을 거부하며 ‘조직이 그러니까 그런 거다’라고 대수롭지 않게 통보하던 Mrs. Mitchell은 남자 엔지니어들이 함께 일하는 여성들은 저자로 올리지 않던 시대에 NASA에서 일하는 중간관리자다. 백인이니 흑인 여성들보다는 나았을지 몰라도, 그 역시 차별을 일상적으로 경험했을 것이다. 그러나 그 역시 Dorothy가 정식으로 IBM 컴퓨터 관리 그룹의 매니저가 되고 나서야 Mrs. Mitchell이라고 인사하는 Dorothy에게 Mrs. Vaughan이라고 목례를 보낸다.

다시 Luxary로 돌아와 보자. 링크트인 마케터는 별 생각 없이 글을 썼을 거다. 그걸 ‘네이티브 논쟁’이라고 (약자를 자처하며) 파르르 떠는 나도 별 수 없이 또다른 지점에선 나만의 우물에 갇힌 ‘가진 자’겠지만, 지금 당장은 그 사람의 별 생각 없음이 참으로 부럽다. 골치 아픈 세상에 ‘생각 없음’이야말로 ‘luxury at its best’가 아니겠느냔 말이다.